Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash

Can’t I just deal with the meltdowns?

I get asked this question a lot and I understand why. When I’m working with parents, whether 121 or in a group, it’s often the meltdowns / rages / escalations that have brought them to me. They want to resolve those and fast. I understand it – I was the same. It was my total focus. I thought that if I focused all my energy on that then everything would be OK. The problem is that whilst yes, it does help, it won’t solve all your problems.

Learning how to de-escalate is important and of course it helps in the moment to calm things down, but it’s not the be all and end all. Just learning de-escalation won’t solve all the issues. Using it as part of your approach to parenting and creating a strong connection with child, will help to reduce any challenges you are experiencing.

De-escalating is much easier when you’re calm. In fact, I can’t do it well (if at all) when I’m not calm. If I’m tired, stressed or unwell it tends to go a little wrong. This makes self care really important and it’s usually the first thing I talk to parents about. It’s crucial but often we don’t do it, me included.

I also teach parents how to talk to their children after an escalation to understand what happened. Thus conversations help both sides and have a significant impact on the behaviours and relationships. 

Raising our presence as parents and showing our children we love them is also vital. 

All of these things work together to reduce the challenging behaviours, so yes whilst just learning to de-escalate with help, using the different aspects of NVR and focusing on building a strong Connective relationship with your child will have a much bigger impact. 


”The NVR map shows the different aspects within NVR.  Parental Presence is the central element in building or rebuilding the relationship and interacts with the other areas as appropriate for each family”
Extract from A Guide to Connecting with Your Child by Sarah Fisher.

If you’d like help then why not come and join us in the Connective Parenting Hub where you’ll get support and advice from me when you need it. You can find all the details HERE.

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